Abuse in relationships, including relationships between teenagers, can happen to men and boys, but it is much more likely to happen to women and girls. It also happens in same sex relationships.

Dangers of abuse in teen relationships

Physical and emotional abuse can have long-term effects on your child’s mental and physical health. It can lead to depression, drug and alcohol problems and eating disorders. Sexual abuse also has a risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Physical abuse can include hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, pushing, and pressuring or forcing someone into sexual activity. Emotional and verbal abuse involves a person: 

• saying things that make their partner feel small or stupid,

• pressuring their partner to do things they don’t want to do, including sexual things,

• checking up on their partner all the time to find out where they are and who they’re with, or

• threatening to hurt their partner or someone close to their partner, including pets.

Tink Palmer, a social worker who works with victims of abuse, points out that modern technology can be used for abuse too. “Mobile phones and the internet can be used in a very controlling way,” she says. “A boyfriend can text his girlfriend every 10 minutes when she’s out with her friends, just to distract her and make her aware that he’s always there.”

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What you can do

Talk to your child about what’s OK and what’s not in a relationship. Some teenagers believe that violence is ‘just the way things are’, or is ‘just messing around’. Your child or their friends might believe this. Make sure they understand that violent or controlling behaviour is not OK, and that no one should put up with it.

Warning signs in your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend

These are signs you can keep an eye out for, and you can also make sure your child knows to look out for them. It’s a sign of controlling or violent behaviour if your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend:

• gets extremely jealous,

• monitors calls and emails, and gets angry if there isn’t an instant response, 

• has trouble controlling his or her emotions, particularly anger, 

• stops your child seeing or talking with friends and family as much as they’d like,

• uses force during an argument,

• blames others for his or her problems or feelings,

• is verbally abusive, or

• shows threatening behaviour towards others.

Some girls might believe that if their boyfriend gets jealous or checks up on them it means he loves them. This is not true. This kind of behaviour is not about love or romance, it’s about control and about your child's boyfriend making your child behave in the way he wants. Some boys might believe that controlling their girlfriend’s behaviour makes them more of a man. Make sure your child knows that using violence does not make someone a man.

Let your child know you will help them

Tell your child that they can always come to you, no matter what. Victims of abuse can feel ashamed, and believe (wrongly) that the abuse is their fault. Make it clear that being abused is never your child's fault, and that you will help them if they come to you.

You can also tell them about helplines, such as Childline (0800 11 11) or the NSPCC (0808 800 5000), which they can call if they don’t feel they can talk to you.

Signs that your child's boyfriend or girlfriend is abusive

“Teenagers can be secretive,” says Palmer. “You need to try to decide whether they're being secretive because they are naturally exerting their independence, or whether they're being secretive because they’re at risk of harm and can’t tell you.”

Signs of abuse can include your child: 

• no longer hanging out with their circle of friends,

• not doing as well at school, or skipping school altogether,

• constantly checking their phone,

• being withdrawn and quieter than usual,

• being angry, and becoming irritable when asked how they are doing,

• making excuses for their boyfriend or girlfriend,

• having unexplained scratches or bruises, 

• showing changes in mood or personality, or

• using drugs or alcohol.

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Some of these can be normal phases of growing up. However, if you’re worried about your child here’s what to do. 

Keep calm. “Try to talk to your child, but don’t confront them,” says Palmer. “Before you talk to them, think through what your concerns are and talk about it confidentially with someone such as your GP or a friend. This will help you to check out your own feelings and thoughts in advance so you won’t be too emotional when you talk to your child.”

Think about when to talk to them. “Don’t do it when they’ve just walked in the door, or when you’ve had a row,” advises Palmer. “Do it when things are calm, so that it’s not linked to another issue such as them coming home late or drunk.”

Find the words. Try saying you'd like to talk. Say you're worried about them and ask if everything's OK. “This shows them that it’s OK to talk, and lets them know you’re emotionally available for them,” says Palmer. “Even if they don’t talk to you at this point, they might go away and think about things, and talk to you later.”

It can be hard to know what's "normal" in a relationship. It can take time to get to know each other and discover what works for you both. But there is one thing that's for sure: abusive or violent behaviour is not acceptable, and if it's happening to you it's OK to ask for help and advice.

Partner abuse can happen to anyone of any age, culture or religion. It can happen to boys or girls, but it's much more likely to happen to girls. Young people in same-sex relationships are also more likely to be affected.

Tink Palmer, a social worker who works with people who have been abused, says: "No one should have to put up with violence in any form. If it's happening to you, talk to a person you trust, such as a parent, a trusted adult or a friend. Don't hold it in, talk to someone."

What is abuse in a relationship?

Abuse can involve physical violence, such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping or pressuring you into sex. But there are other forms of abuse, too. Emotional and verbal abuse can involve your boyfriend or girlfriend:

• saying things that make you feel small, whether you're alone or in front of other people

• pressuring you to do things you don't want to do, including sexual things

• checking up on you all the time to find out where you are and who you're with – for example, texting or calling you a lot if you're out with your friends

• threatening to hurt you or someone close to you, including pets

As well as happening when you're together, emotional and verbal abuse can happen on the phone or on the internet.

Behaviour like this is not about love. It's about someone controlling you and making you behave how they want. People who abuse a partner verbally or emotionally may turn to violence later on in the relationship. This kind of controlling behaviour is a big warning sign.

Behaviour like this is not OK, even if some people tell you it is. Violence and abuse in relationships is not normal, it is not "just the way things are" or "messing around". It's a serious issue.

Being hurt emotionally and physically can harm your self-esteem and make you feel anxious, depressed or ill. Girls who are abused can also develop eating disorders, problems with alcohol and drugs, and be at risk of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy from sexual abuse.

Getting help for abuse

If you are in a controlling or abusive relationship and you want help, don't be scared to talk to someone about it. Remember it's not your fault, no matter what anyone says, and it is far better to talk about it with someone. It doesn't matter if you've been drinking or what you've been wearing. There is no excuse.

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It can be difficult to find the right words to ask for help. Try asking someone whether you can talk to them about something. Tell them you need some help or that something is happening and you don't know what to do. 

There are several people you might talk to, such as:

• an adult mentor or a favourite teacher at school

• your mum, dad or another trusted adult, perhaps a friend's mum

• an adviser on a helpline such as ChildLine (0800 11 11)

• a GP or nurse

• a friend

And remember, try again if you don't get the response you think you need. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

If you think a friend is being abused

If you think a friend might be experiencing abuse, talk to her (your friend might be male, but it is most often girls who experience abuse). "Keep calm, and don't be judgmental or condemning," says Palmer. "It can be difficult to talk to a friend, but try. If you're concerned, don't worry that you might be wrong, worry that you might be right."

Try asking your friend if you can talk about something. Tell her you're worried about her and ask her whether everything is OK. Listen to her and let her know that nobody has to put up with abuse.

If she has been hurt, offer to go to the doctor with her. Have the number of a useful helpline, such as ChildLine on 0800 11 11, ready to give to her.

Your friend might be angry or upset with you for a while, but she will know that you care and you might have helped her realise she can get help.

If you are abusing someone

If you are abusing your partner or you're worried that you might, you can call ChildLine on 0800 11 11 or talk to a trusted adult.

"Recognising that your behaviour is wrong is the first step to stopping it. But you may need help to stop," says Palmer.

Sometimes the things that cause abusive behaviour, such as feelings about things that happened in the past, can be very powerful. "We can't always stop things on our own, or straight away," says Palmer. "We do need help, which is why it's important to talk to someone."

Most people have sex for the first time when they're 16 or older, not before. If someone’s boasting about having sex, it’s possible that they’re pretending.

Although there's a legal age of consent, it’s not necessarily the right age for you to start having sex.

 There are no rules about how long you have to be going out with someone before you do it. Being ready happens at different times for everyone – don't decide to have sex just because your friends are pressuring you.

You can read this whole page or go straight to the sections:

• It's your decision

• Talking about sex

• 10 questions to ask yourself

• Safer sex

• Lesbian, gay or bisexual couples

• How do I bring up the subject of safer sex?

• Read the signs that they want sex

• Alcohol or drugs won't help

• Sex and the law

Deciding when to have sex

You can always choose whether you want to have sex, whoever you're with. Just because you've done it before, even with the same person, doesn’t mean that you have to do it again. 

Working out whether you're ready is one of life’s big decisions. You're the only one who can, and should, decide. Whether you're thinking about losing your virginity or having sex again, remember the following tips:

How to talk about sex

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It’s better to have an embarrassing talk about sex than an embarrassing sexual encounter before you’re ready. There are lots of things to think and talk about, such as:

• are you both ready?

• will you be having sex for the right reasons and not because of peer pressure?

Sex isn’t the only aspect of a relationship, and there are other ways of enjoying each other’s company.

 Discuss what you want and what you don’t want to do. You can do other things that you both like, such as talking, meeting each other’s family and friends, going to gigs or the cinema, doing sport, walking, and listening to music.

10 sex questions to ask yourself

You need to have the confidence to work out how you want to respond if sex comes up, and how far to go. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable. Is it the right time, in the right place, and with the right person? Do you really trust the person, and do you feel the same way about one another?

If you think you might have sex, ask yourself the following questions:

• Does it feel right?

• Do I love my partner?

• Does he/she love me just as much?

• Have we talked about using condoms, and was the talk OK?

• Have we got contraception organised to protect against pregnancy? 

• Do I feel able to say ‘no’ at any point if I change my mind, and will we both be OK with that?

If you answer yes to all these questions, the time may be right. But if you answer yes to any of the following questions, it might not be:

• Do I feel under pressure from anyone, such as my partner or friends?

• Could I have any regrets afterwards?

• Am I thinking about having sex just to impress my friends or keep up with them? 

• Am I thinking about having sex in order to keep my partner?

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Even if you’ve done it once or twice you still need to make sure that your boyfriend or girlfriend is as keen as you each time.

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Tips on safer sex

When you decide to have sex, there's the possibility of pregnancy and/or catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) such as chlamydia. Whoever you're thinking of having sex with, it's important to talk about contraception and condoms before you have sex. Both of you have a responsibility to have this conversation.

Using condoms

You need to use condoms to reduce the risk of catching an STI, whoever you are having sex with.

If you're a boy/girl couple, you need to use an additional form of contraception to prevent an unintended pregnancy.

Choosing the right contraception

There are 15 different kinds of contraception, including the implant, injection, the combined pill and the progestogen-only pill.

Most kinds of contraception are used by girls, but both of you have a responsibility to consider which you will use. A pregnancy will affect both of you.

Lesbian, gay or bisexual couples

If you have lesbian, gay or bisexual sex you can still get or pass on STIs. You still need to know about contraception in case you have straight sex as well.

Find out more about sexual health for women who have sex with women and for men who have sex with men.

How do I bring up the subject of safer sex?

Starting a conversation about the different types of contraception could be a good way to start talking about other issues to do with sex, such as how you feel about it and what you do and don’t want to do.

You could try saying, "I found out that there are 15 different types of contraception…If we were to have sex, which one should we use?"

And researching the options together will help both of you feel more confident and in control of the situation. Find out about the 15 different kinds of contraception.

You can get free and confidential advice about sex, contraception and abortion at any time. Visit your local doctor, community contraceptive clinic, sexual health or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic (find your local services) or young persons clinic (call the sexual health helpline on 0300 123 7123 for details) to find out more.

Read the signs that they want sex

Many people are surprised when a situation leads to sex, so learn to read the signs. If someone suggests that you find a quiet place, or makes lots of physcial contact, or suddenly tries to charm and flatter you, they might be thinking about sex, even if you’re not.

You need to decide whether you want to have sex. Don’t let someone else decide for you by just going along with it. Make the decision in advance and stay in control of the situation, especially if you've had alcohol, because you'll be less inhibited.

If you’re not sure that you can stay in control, avoid situations that could lead to sex, such as going to someone’s room or somewhere quiet.

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Alcohol or drugs won't help

Many people have sex or lose their virginity when they’re drunk. After a few drinks, you're more likely to lose your judgement, and you may do things that you wouldn't do normally. You may regret your actions in the morning, and you won't be able to undo what you’ve done.

People are more likely to have sex without a condom when they're drunk. This can lead to an STI or unintended pregnancy.

Find out more about sex, alcohol and keeping safe.

Sex and the law

The law says that it's legal for you to consent (agree) to sex from the age of 16. If you're under 16, you can get confidential contraceptive and sexual health services, including abortions. You can get free condoms from some GPs, community contraceptive or young persons clinics, and Brook Advisory Centres.

If you're under 13, the situation is different because the law says that you can’t consent to sex at this age.

Find out more about confidentiality, whatever your age, in Will they tell my parents?

Nobody has the right to make you go further than you want to. You also have every right to say no, at any point, whoever you're with. If you want to have sex but your boyfriend or girlfriend or friend doesn’t, you must respect their feelings.

First time or not

You might think from what you hear from friends that all young people are having sex. But the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, and not everyone does it at that age. Some people wait until they’re older.

So you’re not the only one saying no. Even if you’ve had sex before, this doesn’t mean you have to do it again. It’s up to you every time.

When you meet someone you like, it might take weeks, months or even years before you’re both ready for sex. Take it slow, and think about your feelings, as well as theirs. Never rush or push each other into it.

Try talking about the relationship. Communicating helps you to know when the time is right, and to know exactly how you both feel, rather than guessing.

How to say no

People who want to have sex might say things to try to get you into bed. Here are some ideas of what you can say in return:

They say: "Don’t you fancy me?"
You say: "Yes, but I respect you too," or "You’re gorgeous but I want to know you better."

They say: "My friends think we should have done it by now."
You say: "They don’t know what’s best for us," or "You should care more about what I think."

They say: "We don’t need to use a condom."  
You say: "I’m not ready to be a parent and I don’t want to risk getting an infection."

They say: "Let’s just get it over with."
You say: "If we wait until we’re ready it’ll be much better."

They say: "If you loved me you’d want to do it."
You say: "It’s because I love you that I want to wait," or"If you loved me you wouldn’t say that."

They say: "If we don’t do it soon, I’ll explode!"
You say: "You need biology lessons ... it’s not bad for you to wait."

They say: "But you’re 16."
You say: "Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean I have to. I’ll decide when I’m ready."

If you both agree to have sex, make sure that:

• you use condoms to protect yourselves from sexually transmitted infections.

• you use contraception to help prevent an unintended pregnancy – find out about the 15 methods of contraception

Practise saying no 

It might sound strange, but try practising saying no:

• "No, I’m not ready."

• "No, I don’t want to."

• "No, it doesn’t feel right."

Or simply:

• "No." 

If you don’t want to have sex, anyone who really likes you will respect your decision even if you’ve had sex with them before.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend says something like, "If you loved me you’d do it", don’t fall for it. It’s emotional blackmail. However much you love or like them, you don't have to have sex with them to prove it.

Sexual assault

A sexual assault can range from inappropriate touching to a life-threatening attack. It's a myth that victims of sexual assault always look battered and bruised. A sexual assault may not leave any outward signs, but it's still a crime. 

Victims are most likely to be young women aged 16 to 24. But men and women of any age, race, ability or sexuality can be assaulted. This could be by a stranger or, much more likely, someone you know. It could be a partner, former partner, husband, relative, friend or colleague. Don’t be afraid to get help.

Find out where to get help after a sexual assault.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is when one person in a relationship is abusive towards another. This could be emotional, physical or sexual abuse, including forcing you into sexual activity against your will. If this has happened to you, help is available.

Find out:

• where to go for help if you've experienced domestic abuse

• information for male victims of domestic abuse

Talking about sex doesn't have to be difficult or embarrassing. If you feel that it is, there are ways to make it easier.

Discussing issues such as contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or what you like and don't like lets you both share your thoughts, expectations and worries. It can help you make decisions together that suit you both.

The information on this page is for people who are talking to a new partner about sex and want to know how to discuss their sexual history, contraception and using condoms.

For information on talking about sex and sexual problems with a longer term partner who you're already having sex with, see Let's talk about sex.

When to talk about sex

Don't wait until you're already having sex. You might make hasty decisions or take risks you wouldn't normally take.

Talking about contraception and condoms in advance lets you know your options so you can make a considered decision.

Choose a time and place where you can talk openly without being disturbed by phones or other people.

How to say it

Some simple ways of bringing up the subject of sex and safer sex include saying:

• "How do you feel about sex?"

• "Would you want to have sex with me?"

• "I'd like to have sex with you, do you feel ready?"

• "We should talk about safer sex if we're going to have sex."

• "We could go to a clinic and find out about contraception together."

• "Do you like a particular type of condom or dam? We'll need to get some." (A dam is a thin, soft square of latex that covers a woman's genitals and acts as a barrier against sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, during oral sex.)

It's important to discuss safer sex regardless of who you're having sex with. Infections can pass between two women and two men as well as between men and women. For more information on safer sex for same-sex partners, see sexual health for women who have sex with women and men who have sex with men.

Mentioning contraception

If you want to avoid pregnancy, finding out about the different methods of contraception together can be a good way to discuss sex.

There are 15 methods of contraception, including contraceptive implants, contraceptive injections, IUD, IUS, a vaginal ring, the contraceptive patch, pills, condoms and diaphragms. You can find out more by looking at contraception information leaflets together, available from contraceptive clinics, some GP surgeries or online from FPA.

You could also visit a contraceptive clinic together. Staff there will be happy to discuss your options with you and can help you choose the method that's right for you.  

Talking about sexual history

Find out about your partner's sexual history. For example, find out whether they have any STIs that might put you at risk. You could say:

• "Before we have sex, there's something I need to ask you: have you ever been checked for STIs? Have you got any STIs that you know about?"

Or you might need to tell your partner something. You could say:

• "Before we have sex, there's something I need to tell you."

• "Can we talk about something before we have sex?"

A doctor or nurse at your community contraceptive clinic, sexual health clinic or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic will be able to discuss safer sex with you, including condom use. Find sexual health services near you, including contraceptive clinics.

This is particularly important if you or your partner have an infection and need to prevent it spreading. If you have an infection or condition, having leaflets about it could help you talk about it together.

You only have to have sex without a condom once to catch an STI that could affect you for life.

A one-night stand

If you think you might have sex with someone you've just met, carry condoms with you. Make sure that you use them if you have sex.

Bring up the subject of using them before you're actually having sex. Don't wait until there's contact between your genitals and your partner's genitals. This is too late. Put on the condom before there's any genital contact and before using sex toys.

Think in advance about when you could mention using a condom. In your mind, establish a line that you won't cross until you bring up the subject. For example, you could think to yourself "my zip can't be undone if I haven't talked about using a condom".

For more tips on talking about and using condoms, watch the condom negotiation video on this page, and see condom tips and condom excuses.

• Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?
• Can you get pregnant if a boy withdraws (pulls out) before he comes?
• Can you get pregnant if you have sex during your period? 
• Can you get pregnant if you have sex standing up? 
• Can you get pregnant from oral sex?
• Does alcohol make you better in bed?
• Can you use clingfilm as a condom?
• Will a boy's balls explode if he doesn't have sex?
• Can you wash condoms and use them again? 
• Can you get pregnant if you have sex only once? 
• Do you always get symptoms if you have an STI?
• Can women who have sex with women get STIs?
• Do all gay men have anal sex?
• Does starting her periods mean a girl is ready to have sex? 
• Can I get help and information on sex if I need it? 

1: Yes, you can get pregnant the first time that you have sex.

You may have heard that a girl can't get pregnant the first time that she has sex. The truth is, if a boy and a girl have sex and don’t use contraception, she can get pregnant, whether it’s her first time or she has had sex lots of times.

A boy can get a girl pregnant the first time he has sex. If you’re female and have sex, you can get pregnant as soon as you start ovulating (releasing eggs). This happens before you have your first period. Find out more about periods and the menstrual cycle.

Using contraception protects against pregnancy. Using condoms also protects against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Before you have sex, talk to your partner about contraception, and make sure you’ve got some contraception. Find out about getting contraception and tips on using condoms.

2: Yes, you can get pregnant if a boy withdraws (pulls out) his penis before he comes.

There's a myth that a girl can’t get pregnant if a boy withdraws his penis before he ejaculates (comes). The truth is, pulling out the penis won’t stop a girl from getting pregnant.

Before a boy ejaculates, there's sperm in the pre-ejaculatory fluid (pre-come), which leaks out when he gets excited. It only takes one sperm to get a girl pregnant. Pre-come can contain sexually transmitted infections (STIs), so withdrawing the penis won't prevent you from getting an infection.

If a boy says he’ll take care to withdraw before he ejaculates, don’t believe him. Nobody can stop themselves from leaking sperm before they come. Always use a condom to protect yourself against STIs, and also use other contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

3: Yes, you can get pregnant if you have sex during your period.

There's a myth that a girl can’t get pregnant if she has sex during her period. The truth is, she can get pregnant at any time of the month if she has sex without contraception.

Sperm can survive for several days after sex, so even if you do it during your period, sperm can stay in the body long enough to get you pregnant.

4: Yes, you can get pregnant if you have sex standing up, sitting down or in any other position.

You may have heard the myth that a girl can’t get pregnant if she has sex standing up, sitting down, or if she jumps up and down afterwards. The truth is, there’s no such thing as a ‘safe’ position if you’re having sex without a condom or another form of contraception.

There are also no ‘safe’ places to have sex, including the bath or shower. Pregnancy can happen whatever position you do it in, and wherever you do it. All that's needed is for a sperm to meet an egg.

5: No, you can't get pregnant by having oral sex.

You may have heard that you can get pregnant by having oral sex. The truth is, a girl can’t get pregnant this way, even if she swallows sperm. But you can catch STIs through oral sex, including gonorrhoea, chlamydia and herpes. It’s safer to use a condom on a penis, and a dam (a very thin, soft plastic square that acts as a barrier) over the female genitals if you have oral sex. 

6: No, drinking alcohol doesn't make you better in bed.

There's a myth that drinking alcohol makes you perform better in bed. The truth is, when you’re drunk it’s hard to make smart decisions. Alcohol can make you take risks, such as having sex before you’re ready, or having sex with someone you don't like. Drinking won't make the experience better. You’re more likely to regret having sex if you do it when you’re drunk. Find out more about sex and alcohol.

7: You can’t use clingfilm, plastic bags, crisp packets or anything else instead of a condom. They won't work.

There's a myth that you can use a plastic bag, clingfilm or a crisp packet instead of a condom. The truth is, you can't. Only a condom can protect against STIs.

You can get condoms free from:

• community contraceptive clinics

• sexual health and genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics

• some young persons services

You can also buy them from pharmacies and shops. Make sure that they have the CE mark on them, as this means that they've been tested to European safety standards. Find sexual health services near you, including contraception clinics.

8: No, a boy’s testicles (balls) will not explode if he doesn’t have sex.

You may have heard the myth that if a boy doesn't have sex his balls will explode. The truth is, not having sex doesn't harm boys or girls, and a boy’s balls will not explode.

Boys and men produce sperm all the time. If they don’t ejaculate the sperm is absorbed into their body. Ejaculation can happen if they masturbate or have a wet dream. They don’t have to have sex. Find out about boys' bodies.

9: No, condoms can't be washed out and used again.

Don't believe anyone who says that you can wash condoms and use them again. The truth is, you can't use a condom more than once, even if you wash it out. If you've used a condom, throw it away and use a new one if you have sex again.

This is true for male condoms and female condoms. Condoms need to be changed after 30 minutes of sex because friction can weaken the condom, making it more likely to break or fail. Get tips on using condoms.

10: Yes, you can get pregnant if you have sex only once.

You may have heard the myth that you have to have sex lots of times to get pregnant. The truth is, you can get pregnant if you have sex once. All it takes is for one sperm to meet an egg. To avoid pregnancy, always use contraception, and use a condom to protect against STIs.

11: You don't always get symptoms if you have an STI.

You may have heard the myth that you'd always know if you had an STI because it would hurt when you pee, or you’d notice a discharge, unusual smell or soreness. This isn't true.

Many people don't notice signs of infection, so you won't always know if you're infected. You can't tell by looking at someone whether they've got an STI. If you're worried that you've caught an STI, visit your GP or local sexual health clinic. Check-ups and tests for STIs are free and confidential, including for under-16s. Find out about sexual health services near you.

12: Yes, women who have sex with women can get STIs.

You may have heard that women who sleep with women can’t get or pass on STIs. This isn't true. If a woman has an STI and has sex with another woman, the infection can be passed on through vaginal fluid (including fluid on shared sex toys), blood or close body contact. 

Always use condoms on shared sex toys, and use dams to cover the genitals during oral sex. A dam is a very thin, soft plastic square that acts as a barrier to prevent infection (ask about dams at a pharmacist or sexual health clinic). If a woman is also having sex with a man, using contraception and condoms will help to prevent STIs and unintended pregnancy.

13: Not all gay men have anal sex. 

You may have heard that all gay men have anal sex. This isn't true. Anal sex, like any sexual activity, is a matter of preference. Some people choose to do it as part of their sex life and some don’t, whether they're gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual.

According to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (taken in 2000), 12.3% of men and 11.3% of women had had anal sex in the previous year. Whatever sex you have, use a condom to protect yourself and your partner against STIs. However, having sex isn't the only way to show your feelings for someone.

14: A girl is not ready to have sex just because she's started her periods.

You may have heard that a girl should be having sex once she starts having periods. This isn't true.

Starting your periods means that you're growing up, and that you could get pregnant if you were to have sex. It doesn’t mean that you're ready to have sex, or that you should be sexually active.

People feel ready to have sex at different times. It’s a personal decision. Most young people in England wait until they're 16 or older before they start having sex. Find out more about periods and the menstrual cycle.

15: Help for sexual problems is available if you need it.

If you want to talk to someone in confidence, you can call the sexual health helpline on 0300 123 7123.

Find sexual health services near you.  

To find your nearest young people's service, visit the Ask Brook website.  

Find out where to get help when sex goes wrong.

Condom, no condom? is an interactive video on YouTube where you decide what happens. Just choose which button to click at the end of each section to continue the story, and see the consequences of your choices.

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Page Content:

• What age do you go through puberty? 
• What's the average penis size? 
• What is circumcision? 
• I have spots on my penis and it itches. Is this normal? 
• Is it normal for my penis to smell fishy and have white bits behind the tip?
• What is sperm? 
• Is it normal to get an erection when you wake up in the morning? 
• Is it normal for one testicle to hang lower than the other? 
• How do I know if I have testicular cancer? 
• What is premature ejaculation? 
• Can you pee while having sex? 
• Why is it harder to ejaculate when you have sex a second time soon after the first? 

At what age do you go through puberty?

Puberty describes all the physical changes that children go through as they grow into adults. Most people start to notice changes at around 11 years old, but there's no right or wrong time to start puberty. It might be sooner or it might be later, and this is normal.

Read more on boys and puberty.

What's the average penis size?

Penis size varies from man to man, in the same way that everyone is a different height, weight and build. Most men's penises are somewhere around 9cm (3.75in) long when they’re not erect, but it’s normal for them to be shorter or longer than this. Some things can make your penis temporarily smaller, such as swimming or being cold.

Most penises are roughly the same size when they’re hard, between about 15 and 18cm (6-7in) long. You can’t make your penis larger or smaller with exercises or medication. Find out more about penis size.

What is circumcision?

Circumcision is an operation to remove the piece of skin (the foreskin) that covers the tip of the penis. In the UK, it's usually done for religious reasons, and is most common in the Jewish and Muslim communities. If you have been circumcised, it's nothing to worry about. It won’t affect your ability to have sex. 

Female genital mutilation (also called female circumcision) is illegal in the UK. It involves cutting off some or all of a girl’s external genitals, such as the labia and clitoris.

I have spots on my penis and it itches. Is this normal?

If you've recently had sex without using a condom you may have picked up a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Visit a sexual health or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic, GP, nurse, young people’s clinic or a community contraceptive clinic. Find a sexual health clinic near you.

Lots of boys have normal lumps and bumps on their penis, and spots can also be caused by an allergy or irritation. But if you're worried, seek advice from a doctor or clinic. Medical people see problems like this every day, so there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Is it normal for my penis to smell fishy and have white bits behind the tip?

This can happen naturally from time to time. To prevent it happening, wash gently behind the foreskin if you have one (men who have been circumcised don’t have a foreskin) when you bath or shower. Use water, or water and a mild soap. Find out more about washing your penis.

If you're washing carefully and the symptoms don't go away, and you've had sex without a condom, you may have an STI. See a doctor, or visit a sexual health or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic, young people’s sexual health or a community contraceptive clinic. Find a sexual health clinic near you.

What is sperm?

Sperm is produced in the testicles (balls) and released in fluid called semen during sexual activity. Every time a man ejaculates (comes) he can produce more than 100 million sperm. But it only takes one sperm to get a girl pregnant, and that can happen before the boy ejaculates. This is because the fluid that comes out of the tip of his penis before he ejaculates (called pre-ejaculatory fluid) can contain sperm.

If you're having sex with a girl, always use contraception and condoms to prevent both pregnancy and STIs. Talk to your partner about what contraception she's using, and make sure that you use condoms too.

If you’re having sex with a boy, always use condoms to stop yourself getting an STI or passing one on.

Is it normal to get an erection when you wake up in the morning?

Yes, most boys have an erection when they wake up in the morning, and they can get one when they're not expecting it during the day, even when they’re not sexually excited. This is a normal part of sexual development and growing up.

Is it normal for one testicle to hang lower than the other?

Yes, this is normal and nothing to worry about. One theory is that it stops your testicles banging together when you run.

How do I know if I have testicular cancer?

Check your testicles every month by gently rolling them, one at a time, between your thumb and fingers to feel for any unusual lumps or bumps. You’ll feel a hard ridge on the upper back of each ball. This is the epididymis, where sperm is stored, and it’s normal to feel it here.

If you feel any lumps, it probably isn’t testicular cancer, but get it checked by a doctor. Other warning signs include:

• one ball growing larger or heavier than the other 

• an ache in your balls 

• bleeding from your penis

If you notice any of these, see your doctor. If caught early, testicular cancer can usually be treated successfully.

What is premature ejaculation?

This is when a boy or man ejaculates (comes) too quickly during sex. This is fairly common, especially among younger men, and can be due to nerves or over-excitement. Some people don’t worry about it, and some find that using a condom can help to delay ejaculation. Find out more about premature ejaculation.

If it bothers you, see your local doctor, nurse, or visit a sexual health or genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic, young people’s clinic or community contraceptive clinic. These places will give you free and confidential advice whatever your age, even if you're under 16. Find a GP or sexual health clinic near you.

Can you pee while having sex?

No. During sex, a valve shuts the outlet tube from your bladder so that only sperm can pass through the tube (urethra), which you use to pee.

Why is it harder to ejaculate when you have sex a second time soon after the first?

If you have sex a second time straight after the first, it can take longer for you to reach orgasm (come). This is normal. If you're worried about this, take a longer break after sex before you start again. Whether it's the first, second or tenth time you've had sex that day, always use a new condom to protect against pregnancy and STIs.

Page Content:

• At what age do you go through puberty?
• Is discharge from the vagina normal?
• My discharge smells. Is that normal? 
• When should you start your periods? 
• What should you use when your period starts? 
• Is my period normal? 
• What if my period is late? 
• Are my breasts too small? 
• How do I know if I have breast cancer? 
• When do I have to have a cervical screening test? 
• What is the hymen?
• Do you put on weight when you're on the Pill?
• Can you get pregnant if you have sex during your period? 
• What is the clitoris?

At what age do you go through puberty?

You'll probably start to notice changes from age 10 upwards, but there's no right or wrong time to start. Some people go through puberty later than others. This is normal. If you have no signs of puberty by the age of 16, see a doctor for a check-up.

Find out more about girls and puberty.

Is discharge from the vagina normal?

Yes, this is perfectly normal. Girls start to produce more vaginal discharge (fluid) as they go through puberty and the hormones in the glands of the vagina and cervix (neck of the womb) begin to work. The fluid helps to keep the vaginal area moist, and protects it from damage or infection.

Before puberty, most girls have very little discharge. After puberty, what's normal for one girl won't be normal for another. Some produce a lot of fluid and some produce very little.

When you start your periods, you'll probably notice that your discharge varies at different times during your menstrual cycle. It might be colourless or creamy white in colour, and it may become more sticky and increase in quantity. Find out about periods and the menstrual cycle.

My discharge smells. Is that normal?

It's not normal if the discharge becomes smelly or green, or if your vaginal area is itchy or sore. These may mean that you have an infection, such as thrush, which is common but easily treated. If you've had sex without using a condom, there's a risk you might have a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

If your discharge is different from what's normal for you, see a doctor or nurse. Advice is free and confidential, even if you're under 16.

Read how to keep your vagina clean and healthy.

When should you start your periods?

Girls usually start their periods between the ages of 10 and 16. Most girls start when they’re around 12. As everyone develops at different rates, there's no right or wrong age for a girl to start. Your periods will start when your body is ready, and there's nothing you can do to make them start sooner or later.

If you haven’t started your periods by the time you’re 16, visit your doctor for a check-up.

Watch a video about the menstrual cycle.

What should you use when your periods start?

To be prepared for your first period, keep sanitary pads (sometimes called sanitary towels) or tampons at home, and carry some in your bag.

Sanitary pads line your underwear to soak up the blood as it leaves your vagina. Tampons are inserted inside the vagina to soak up the blood before it leaves the vagina. Tampons have a string that hangs outside the vagina, and you pull this to remove the tampon.

Don't flush sanitary pads or tampons down the toilet. Wrap them in paper and put them in the bin. Most women’s toilets have special bins for sanitary products.

There are different kinds of pads and tampons for light, medium and heavy blood flow. Use whatever you find most comfortable. Try different kinds until you find one that suits you. You might need to use different kinds at various points during your period. You need to change your pad or tampon several times a day.

You'll find instructions in the packet on how to use them. Sanitary pads and tampons are available in pharmacies, supermarkets, and some newsagents and petrol stations.

There's a life-threatening infection called Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), which affects around 20 people in the UK (men and women) every year. It’s not known why, but a lot of these cases occur in women who are wearing tampons, particularly highly absorbent ('heavy') ones. Find out more about TSS.

If you're worried about anything to do with periods or want more information, talk to an older woman, such as your mum, big sister, the school nurse or a teacher. Your doctor or local contraception or young people’s clinic can also help. Find sexual health services near you.

Is my period normal?

Don’t worry if your periods aren't the same as your friends’ periods. Every girl is different. Bleeding can last up to eight days, although it usually lasts about five days. The bleeding is heaviest during the first two days.

During your period, your blood flow may seem heavy, but the actual amount of blood is equivalent to between five and 12 teaspoons. However, you may have periods that are heavier than normal. This is known as menorrhagia, and there's medication to treat it, so talk to your doctor if you’re worried. Find out more about heavy periods. You can also take the heavy periods self-assessment to see if your periods are heavy.

The average length of the menstrual cycle (from the first day of your period until the day before your next period) is 28 days, although anywhere between 24 and 35 days is common.

Your hormone cycle may affect you physically and emotionally. Some women don’t have any symptoms, but on the days leading up to your period you may have symptoms of premenstrual syndrome. These include:

• headaches

• bloating

• irritability 

• backache 

• feeling depressed

• a general feeling of being upset or emotional

• difficulty sleeping

• difficulty concentrating

• breast tenderness

• some weight gain (up to 1kg)

Once your period has started, these symptoms usually improve. When your period has ended they disappear.

Periods can sometimes be painful. The precise cause of painful periods is unknown, but you may feel pain in your abdomen, back or vagina. It usually starts shortly before your period begins, and lasts for a few days. Painkillers can help. Find out more about treating painful periods.

What if my period is late?

If you're worried about your period, visit your doctor or a local community contraceptive or young persons clinic (call the sexual health helpline on 0300 123 7123 for details). Girls' periods can be irregular for many different reasons, including stress.

Another reason for a late period is pregnancy. If you've had sex without using contraception and your period is late, take a pregnancy test as soon as possible. You can get a test kit from your local doctor, contraceptive clinic or young person’s clinic. Find sexual health services near you. You can also do a pregnancy test yourself, using a test kit bought at a pharmacy or supermarket. 

Are my breasts too small?

No. Every woman is different and everyone’s body develops at its own rate. Don’t worry about what size is ‘normal’.

How do I know if I have breast cancer?

It’s unusual for teenagers to get breast cancer. Lumps, bumps and changes to the breast are common, and most of them are benign (non-cancerous).

There's no set method of checking your breasts, but get to know what they look and feel like so that you'll notice any changes. However, it’s normal for your breasts to change in size or become more tender during your menstrual cycle.

When must I have a cervical screening test?

A cervical screening test (sometimes called a smear) is a test where cells are taken from a woman’s cervix (located above the vagina) to check for changes that could lead to cervical cancer. Cervical cancer can be prevented if it's detected early through cervical screening.

In England, cervical screening tests are offered to women from age 25 upwards, every three to five years. You should have them whether you're straight, gay or bisexual. Women who have sex with women need to have cervical screening as well as women who have sex with men.

What is the hymen?

The hymen is a very thin piece of skin that stretches across the vagina, just inside the woman’s body. Every girl is born with a hymen, but it can break when using tampons, playing sport, or doing other activities, including having sex.

Do you put on weight when you're on the Pill?

No, there's no evidence that the contraceptive pill causes weight gain. Some girls and women put on weight while they're taking the Pill, but so do girls and women who aren't taking it.

If you’ve got any questions about the Pill or any other methods of contraception, such as the injection, implant or patch, go to a GP, local contraceptive clinic or young person’s service (call 0800 567 123). Find sexual health services near you. 

You can get free and confidential advice about sex, contraception and abortion even if you're under 16.

Can you get pregnant if you have sex during your period?

Yes. A girl can get pregnant if she has sex with a boy, at any time during her menstrual cycle, and can get pregnant the first time she has sex.

That’s why you should always use contraception. There are lots of different methods, including: 

• contraceptive cap

• combined pill

• condoms

• contraceptive implant

• contraceptive injection

• contraceptive patch

• diaphragms

• female condoms

• intrauterine device (IUD)

• Mirena (intrauterine system or IUS)

• natural family planning

• progestogen-only pill (mini-pill)

• vaginal ring

Only condoms help to protect you against STIs and pregnancy, so use condoms as well as your chosen method of contraception every time you have sex.

What is the clitoris?

The clitoris is a small soft bump in front of the entrance to the vagina. It's very sensitive, and touching and stimulating it can give strong feelings of sexual pleasure. This is how most girls masturbate. Most girls and women need the clitoris to be stimulated in order to have an orgasm during sex.

Find out 15 things you should know about sex.

Alcohol changes the way you act, and affects your decision making. The more you drink, the less careful you are, and this can have serious consequences when it comes to sex and your personal safety.

Tips for staying safe

If you’re planning to drink alcohol, follow these tips to keep safe:

• Stick with friends. Don’t go to parties alone, and ask your friends to watch out for you if you’re drinking alcohol. You can watch out for them too if they’re drinking.

• Always travel home with your friends, and never take an unlicensed cab – this is like getting into a car with a stranger. Keep the telephone number of a licensed taxi firm with you. Don’t drive if you've been drinking. 

• Never leave drinks unattended or accept drinks from people you don’t know, in case someone puts drugs in them. 

• Make decisions when you’re sober. Before you start drinking, talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about your boundaries (what you do and don’t want to do), so that you don’t get carried away and regret it later.

• Be prepared. If you’re ready to have sex, sort out your contraception before you go out drinking, and always carry a condom. Find out more about all the methods of contraception and where you can get them.

Alcohol, sex and making decisions 

Alcohol can affect your judgement. You might become more easy to influence when it comes to sex. You can make rash decisions, such as having unprotected sex, which can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia.

Alcohol might calm your nerves, but it doesn't make sex easier or better, particularly if it's your first time. Being drunk can make you feel confused or ill, which can make the experience unpleasant.

If you’re drunk, you might not even remember having sex. And you're more likely to regret it, especially if it’s your first time.

Is sex safe when you’ve been drinking?

It's not safe if you don't use a condom. Alcohol stops you making sensible decisions such as using a condom, which is the only way to protect yourself from pregnancy and STIs. Not using a condom puts you at a greater risk of both.

If you’re drunk, you’re less likely to be thinking clearly enough to talk to your partner about using condoms, or to use condoms properly. Find out tips on using condoms.

If you or your partner take the contraceptive pill and alcohol makes you sick, the pill is less likely to work and there's a real risk of pregnancy. Find out what to do if you're on the pill and you're sick.

Emergency action

If you have unprotected sex, you can lower your chances of having an unintended pregnancy by getting emergency contraception from your local clinic or GP.

The emergency pill (also known as the 'morning-after' pill) can be used up to 72 hours (three days) after unprotected sex, but it's more effective the sooner it’s taken. A doctor or nurse can help you to get tested for STIs. Find sexual health services near you, including contraceptive clinics.

If you or someone you know is having problems due to alcohol or drug use, you can get help. Visit Talk to Frank for help and advice, or call 0300 123 6600.

Sexual assault

Being drunk makes you vulnerable to sexual assault. This can happen to anyone, however old or young they are, and whether they’re male, female, gay, straight or bisexual. If someone tries to have sex with you and you don't want to do it, you always have the right to say no, whether you’re drunk or not.

Find out where to get help if you've been sexually assaulted.

Further information

Where can I get emergency contraception?

It's OK to say no to sex

One minute you’re playing kiss-chase in the playground and sex doesn’t come into it. The next minute your friends are obsessed about when everyone will lose their virginity.

You might be thinking about sex, but the reality of it can be confusing. It takes time to understand what sex is all about, and just because you want to know more doesn’t mean that you have to rush into anything.

If you’re feeling pressured into having sex, you’re not alone. You might feel like the only virgin, but the average age that teenagers start having sex in the UK is 16. This is true for boys and girls so not everyone who says they’ve had sex is telling the truth.

Good relationships start with friendship, and trust builds from there.

What is peer pressure?

Peer pressure is the pressure that your friends and the people you know, put on you to do something you don’t want to do (or don’t feel ready to do), such as have sex. There are different types of peer pressure:

• obvious peer pressure, such as: “Everyone’s doing it, so should you”

• underhand peer pressure, such as: “You’re a virgin, you wouldn’t understand”

• controlling peer pressure, such as: “You would do it if you loved me”

Good reasons to wait until you're ready

The pressure that your friends put on you is worse than the pressure you put on yourself. Most of us have to deal with it at some point, but it's difficult when friends brag about having sex and criticise you for being a virgin.

Not everything you hear is true. They could be exaggerating to make themselves look more experienced than you. Rushing into sex just to impress your friends or partner could leave you feeling like a fool because you didn’t make your own decision.

It might help you to remember that: 

• being in love or fancying someone doesn’t mean that you have to have sex

• not having sex is not a sign that you’re immature 

• saying no to sex is not bad for anyone’s health

It’s fine to say no or to say that you want to wait a while, even if you've had sex before. Find out 15 things you should know about sex.  

Making your own decision

Don't do something you’re not ready to do just to please other people. You’re more likely to regret your first time if you do it under pressure. You're also more likely to forget about contraception and condoms, which help to prevent pregnancy and protect you from sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia.

Having sex won’t make your boyfriend or girlfriend like you more or stay with you. Your first time is important, so think carefully about it and take it slowly.

Everyone (girls, boys, lesbian, gay, straight or bisexual) deserves to make their own decision in their own time. Sex can be great when both people like each other and feel ready. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

How to stand up to the pressure

Standing up to peer pressure means deciding whether to go along with everyone else or make your own decisions. Your friends might say things that put you under pressure. Here are some things you can say back to them to keep them quiet:

They say: "You haven’t had sex because no one fancies you."
You say: "I haven’t had sex because I’m not afraid of saying no" or "I’m waiting for the right person".

They say: "You’ll get dumped if you don’t do it soon."
You say: "We like each other for more than just sex."

They say: "We’ve all done it loads of times."
You say: "And Santa really climbs down the chimney every year."

They say: "You must be gay."
You say: "As if waiting for the right person means anything about my sexuality. Gay and straight people can wait for the right person"or "So what if I am?"

They say: "You’ll get a reputation for being frigid."
You say: "Waiting for the right person makes me smart, not frigid."

If you want to talk to someone in confidence, you can call the Sexual Health Helpline on 0300 123 7123 (for under-25s).

Find out more about:

The 15 methods of contraception

Girls' bodies growing up

Boys' bodies growing up

How to say no

Nobody has the right to make you go further than you want to. You also have every right to say no, at any point, whoever you're with. If you want to have sex but your boyfriend or girlfriend or friend doesn’t, you must respect their feelings.

First time or not

You might think from what you hear from friends that all young people are having sex. But the average age for having sex for the first time is 16, and not everyone does it at that age. Some people wait until they’re older.

So you’re not the only one saying no. Even if you’ve had sex before, this doesn’t mean you have to do it again. It’s up to you every time.

When you meet someone you like, it might take weeks, months or even years before you’re both ready for sex. Take it slow, and think about your feelings, as well as theirs. Never rush or push each other into it.

Try talking about the relationship. Communicating helps you to know when the time is right, and to know exactly how you both feel, rather than guessing.

How to say no

People who want to have sex might say things to try to get you into bed. Here are some ideas of what you can say in return:

They say: "Don’t you fancy me?"
You say: "Yes, but I respect you too," or "You’re gorgeous but I want to know you better."

They say: "My friends think we should have done it by now."
You say: "They don’t know what’s best for us," or "You should care more about what I think."

They say: "We don’t need to use a condom."  
You say: "I’m not ready to be a parent and I don’t want to risk getting an infection."

They say: "Let’s just get it over with."
You say: "If we wait until we’re ready it’ll be much better."

They say: "If you loved me you’d want to do it."
You say: "It’s because I love you that I want to wait," or"If you loved me you wouldn’t say that."

They say: "If we don’t do it soon, I’ll explode!"
You say: "You need biology lessons ... it’s not bad for you to wait."

They say: "But you’re 16."
You say: "Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean I have to. I’ll decide when I’m ready."

If you both agree to have sex, make sure that:

• you use condoms to protect yourselves from sexually transmitted infections.

• you use contraception to help prevent an unintended pregnancy – find out about the 15 methods of contraception

Practise saying no 

It might sound strange, but try practising saying no:

• "No, I’m not ready."

• "No, I don’t want to."

• "No, it doesn’t feel right."

Or simply:

• "No." 

If you don’t want to have sex, anyone who really likes you will respect your decision even if you’ve had sex with them before.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend says something like, "If you loved me you’d do it", don’t fall for it. It’s emotional blackmail. However much you love or like them, you don't have to have sex with them to prove it.

Sexual assault

A sexual assault can range from inappropriate touching to a life-threatening attack. It's a myth that victims of sexual assault always look battered and bruised. A sexual assault may not leave any outward signs, but it's still a crime. 

Victims are most likely to be young women aged 16 to 24. But men and women of any age, race, ability or sexuality can be assaulted. This could be by a stranger or, much more likely, someone you know. It could be a partner, former partner, husband, relative, friend or colleague. Don’t be afraid to get help.

Find out where to get help after a sexual assault.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is when one person in a relationship is abusive towards another. This could be emotional, physical or sexual abuse, including forcing you into sexual activity against your will. If this has happened to you, help is available.

Find out:

• where to go for help if you've experienced domestic abuse

• information for male victims of domestic abuse

Sexual violence is a crime, no matter who commits it or where it happens. Don’t be afraid to get help.

What is sexual assault?

A sexual assault can range from inappropriate touching, to a life-threatening attack, rape or any other penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. It's a myth that victims of sexual assault always look battered and bruised. A sexual assault may leave no outward signs, but it's still a crime. 

“Some people are afraid they won’t be believed if they haven’t got signs of injury,” says Bernie Ryan, a counsellor and manager at St Mary’s Sexual Assault Referral Centre in Manchester. “But that isn’t so. We don’t necessarily expect to see injuries. For the victim, the extent of the sexual assault is no indication of how distressing they find it, or how violated they feel.”

Victims are most likely to be young women aged 16 to 24, but men and women of any age, race, ability or sexuality can be assaulted. This could be by a stranger or, much more likely, someone they know. It could be a partner, former partner, husband, relative, friend or colleague.

Most sexual assaults happen in the home of the victim or perpetrator (the person carrying out the assault). 

Sexual assault is an act that is carried out without the victim’s active consent. This means they didn’t agree to it.

If you have been sexually assaulted, remember that it wasn’t your fault. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing, where you were or whether you had been drinking. A sexual assault is always the fault of the perpetrator.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted

If you've been sexually assaulted there are services that can help. You don’t have to report the assault to police if you don’t want to. Other services and organisations won’t insist that you do. However, consider getting medical help as soon as possible because you may be at risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.

If you get help immediately after the assault, try not to wash or change your clothes. This may destroy forensic evidence that could be important if you decide to report the assault to the police.

Where you go for help will depend on what’s available in your area and what you want to do. The following services will provide care and treatment or refer you to another service if you need more specialist help (such as a forensic examination):

• a sexual assault referral centre (SARC), if there's one in your area

• a doctor or practice nurse at your GP surgery 

• a voluntary organisation, such as Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid

• the free, 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

• the Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre national freephone helpline on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year) 

• a hospital accident and emergency (A&E) department 

• a genitourinary medicine (GUM) or sexual health clinic

• a contraceptive clinic

• a young people’s service

• NHS 111

• the police 

• in an emergency, dial 999

Sexual assault referral centres

Sexual assault referral centres offer medical, practical and emotional support. They have specially trained doctors and counsellors to care for you. If you're considering reporting the assault to the police, they can arrange for you to have an informal talk with a specially trained police officer who can explain what’s involved.

There are also specially trained advisers available in some sexual assault referral centres or voluntary organisations to help people who have been sexually assaulted. These independent sexual violence advisers (ISVA) help victims get access to all the support services they need. They will support you through the criminal justice system if you decide to report the assault to the police, including giving a statement and, if necessary, giving evidence in court.

You can tell someone you trust first, such as a friend, relative or teacher, who can help you get the support you need.

TheSite is an organisation for young people that has made a video about what to expect if you visit a sexual assault referral centre. People of all ages may find this video useful.

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Forensic examination

If you have been sexually assaulted, you don’t have to have a forensic examination and you can change your mind at any time. But a forensic examination can provide evidence against the person who assaulted you. The examination usually takes place at a sexual assault referral centre or in a police suite, carried out by a doctor or nurse specially trained in forensic medicine.

They will take samples (such as hair, bodily fluids or swabs) from anywhere you were touched during the assault. The doctor or nurse will ask any relevant questions, for example about the assault or any recent sexual activity.

If you haven’t decided whether to report the assault to the police, any evidence that's collected will be stored until you make up your mind.

If you do decide to report it to the police, a police officer specially trained in supporting victims of sexual assault will be there to help and make sure you understand what's going on at each stage.

The police will investigate the assault. This will involve you having a forensic exam and making a statement about what happened. The police will pass their findings to the Crown Prosecution Service, who will decide whether the case should go to trial.

To find out more about what’s involved in an investigation and trial, you can: 

• Talk to an independent sexual violence adviser, supporting police officer or charity such as Rape Crisis.

• Find out more on the GOV.UK website about going to court as a victim or witness.

• Download a booklet called From report to court: a handbook for adult survivors of sexual violence, produced by the charity Rights of Women.

Confidentiality

Your details will be kept as confidential as possible. However, if there’s a police investigation or criminal prosecution linked to the assault, any material relating to it is "disclosable". This means it may have to be produced in court.

“When a forensic exam is conducted, the person who has been assaulted is asked for consent in relation to disclosure,” says Bernie Ryan. “We will do everything in our power to protect sensitive records, but if a judge says they are relevant to the case, he or she can subpoena them [order them to be released].”

If there is no investigation or prosecution, information about you won’t be shared without your permission unless there's a concern that anyone else is at significant risk of harm.

Supporting a victim of sexual assault

For relatives and friends of someone who has been sexually assaulted, The Havens website has advice on what you can do to help. The advice includes: 

• Listen to the person, but don’t ask for details of the assault. Don’t ask them why they didn’t stop it. This can make them feel as though you blame them.

• Offer practical support, such as going with them to appointments.

• Respect their decisions, for example whether or not they want to report the assault to the police.

• Bear in mind they might not want to be touched. Even a hug might upset them, so ask first. If you’re in a sexual relationship with them, be aware that sex might be frightening and don’t put pressure on them to have sex.

• Don’t tell them to forget about the assault. It will take them time to deal with their feelings and emotions. You can help by listening and being patient. Find your nearest rape and sexual assault services, including sexual assault referral centres. 

Anybody can be affected by domestic abuse, and anyone can be an abuser. It doesn't just happen to women – men can be victims too, whether their partner is a man or a woman. 

If it's happening to you, it's important to tell someone and to remember that you're not alone.

Ippo Panteloudakis is helpline manager for the Men's Advice Line, which offers help over the phone or via email. "We spoke to 800 male victims of domestic abuse in 2010," he says. "More men are coming forward than a few years ago, and the services to support them are improving very quickly."

The Men's Advice Line can refer men to local places that can help, such as health services and voluntary organisations.

Talking to someone

It can be difficult for men to say they need help, and to know where to go once they've decided to talk to someone. "Men can be reluctant to say that they are victims, and they worry that they won't be believed," says Ippo.

"What I'd say to these men is: there's more help out there than you think. The key is to talk to someone. A lot of men who call the helpline have seen our website first or emailed us, and we've responded. Some men email and ask us to call them back, which we do."

Find out where to go for help. 

Domestic abuse is very serious, whether it happens to men or women. Don’t feel that you have to put up with it.

How do I know if I am experiencing abuse?

There are different kinds of abuse.

Emotional abuse

 The person abusing you may:

• belittle you, or put you down

• blame you for the abuse or for arguments

• deny that abuse is happening, or play it down

• isolate you from your family and friends

• make unreasonable demands for your attention

Threats and intimidation

The person abusing you may: 

• threaten to hurt you or kill you

• destroy things that belong to you

• stand over you, invade your personal space

• threaten to kill themselves, and/or the children

• read your emails, texts or letters

• harass or follow you 

Physical abuse

The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways. These could include:

• slapping, hitting or punching

• pushing or shoving

• biting, kicking

• burning you

• choking you

• throwing things

• holding you down

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whether they're male or female. The person abusing you may: 

• touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched

• make unwanted sexual demands

• hurt you during sex

• pressure you to have sex

• pressure you to have unsafe sex (for example, not using a condom) 

Your partner may also accuse you of flirting or cheating on them. If you ever feel scared of your partner, or you have changed your behaviour because you’re afraid of what your partner might do, you could be in an abusive relationship.

"As well as talking to someone when you realise you're in an abusive relationship, try to gather evidence about what's happening," says Ippo. This could include taking photographs of any injuries or bruises, and reporting it to your doctor. "You could also keep a diary of what happens, and the story of the abuse will show."

Try not to respond with violence. "Violence breeds more violence, and if you retaliate then this can make the abuser's violence worse," advises Ippo. "There's also the risk that they will call the police, and you will be seen as the abuser."

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Where you can go for help

You don’t have to wait for an emergency situation to get help. You can: 

• talk to your doctor

• call Men’s Advice Line free on 0808 801 0327 (Monday-Friday 9am-5pm), or email info@mensadviceline.org.uk

• in an emergency, call 999

The Men’s Advice Line is a confidential, freephone helpline for men who have experienced, or are experiencing, domestic abuse from their partners or ex-partners. It’s available to all men in the UK.

The Men’s Advice Line staff are trained to listen and look at ways of helping you. These might include: 

• providing information and practical advice

• giving you time to talk through what’s happening

• signposting you to other specialist organisations, such as domestic violence units; mental health organisations; emotional support services; services for gay, bisexual and trans (GBT) men; and organisations providing immigration, housing and legal advice; parenting advice and support; and help with child contact issues

Forced marriage happens to men as well as women. For forced marriage and “honour” crimes, contact Karma Nirvarna (0800 5999 247) or The Forced Marriage Unit (020 7008 0151).

Broken Rainbow UK (0300 999 5428) provides support to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people experiencing domestic violence.

If you decide to leave

The first step in escaping an abusive situation is realising that you're not alone and it's not your fault. Try to get advice from an organisation such as the Men’s Advice Line or Mankind before you go.

If you're considering leaving, be careful who you tell. It's important that your partner doesn't know where you're going. Planning is very important. If you decide to leave, it will help to take:

• documents, including birth certificates for your children, passports, any medical records, benefits books, and mortgage or rent details

• your address book

• house keys

• if you have young children: baby items, some clothes and a special toy for each child

Sexual assault

Men and women who have been sexually assaulted can get confidential help, treatment and support at a sexual assault referral centre. Find your nearest sexual assault referral centre.

In 2011, the Health Protection Agency released figures on sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in England for 2010. They showed young people under 25 that the 16 to 24-year-old age group accounts for more than half of all newly diagnosed STIs.

In England, young people aged 16-24 accounted for:

• 63% of chlamydia,

• 54% of genital warts,

• 47% of gonorrhoea,

• 41% of herpes and

• 16% of syphilis infections diagnosed in genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics.

You won't definitely get symptoms

If you have sex without a condom, the odds of catching an STI are quite high. You can’t tell by looking at someone whether they’ve got an STI. These infections don’t always have any symptoms, which means that you might not even know if you've caught something. You then run the risk of not getting treatment and passing the infection on to others.

You can get an STI if you have sex only once

You only need to have unprotected sex once to get an STI or pass one on. So if you’ve only had sex once, you could still be infected. The more sexual partners you have, the more at risk you are. This is true whether you have more than one partner at the same time or at different times.

Where to get tested 

If you think you might have an STI, or are at risk of having one, you can get tested at a sexual health clinic or a genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinic. Some community contraceptive clinics also offer STI testing. Find sexual health services near you. You can also find local clinics by using the FPA clinic finder, or calling THT Direct on 0845 122 1200.

If you’ve started seeing someone new, or you and your partner want to stop using condoms, have a sexual health check.

Symptoms you might notice

If you notice anything different, then contact a clinic straight away so that you can be tested and treated for STIs. You may notice:

• an unusual discharge

• pain during sex

• sores or rashes

• irregular periods

Even if you don’t have symptoms, you might have an STI if you’ve had unprotected sex. Get yourself checked. The sooner you go, the sooner it can be treated, and the sooner you can stop worrying about it.

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Chlamydia

Chlamydia is the most commonly diagnosed STI in England, and is most common in men and women under 25, accounting for just over 144,000 new cases in 2012.

The National Chlamydia Screening Programme offers chlamydia tests to as many under 25s as possible. These are available at young people's services and some pharmacies.

Most people with chlamydia have no symptoms, so they may not know that they're infected. If left untreated, chlamydia can spread to other parts of the body, which can lead to long-term health problems, such as infertility.

If you’re under 25 and have had sex, you should be offered a test when you visit your GP, contraceptive clinic or other health service. You can get tested in a range of places that are convenient to you. The test and any treatment you might need is free and confidential.

Your privacy

At the clinic, you can be sure of patient confidentiality. You don’t have to give your real name, but make sure that the clinic can contact you to give you the results of any tests. This can be done by letter, phone or text message, depending on the clinic.

A doctor or a nurse will ask you questions about your relationships and sexual partners, what contraception you use and any relevant medical history. This is to help them work out what tests you need. For more information about getting tested, see visiting an STI clinic.

Getting the right treatment

Most STIs can be cured with antibiotics. Some, such as HIV, have no cure but treatment can be given to stop it from getting worse.

If you test positive for an infection, staff at the clinic will explain your treatment to you and advise you on how to avoid infections in the future. Using a condom properly every time you have sex is the most effective protection against infections. Get tips on using condoms.

If you have an infection you'll need to tell anyone you’ve had sex with in the last six months so that they can be tested too. If you haven’t had sex during this time, let your last sexual partner know. If you don't want to do this, the clinic can usually contact a partner (or ex) for you, without mentioning your name.

Further information

What should I do if I think I've got an STI?

How soon do STI symptoms appear?

What infections can I catch through oral sex?